COLLUSIONI.ST

According to some health experts, walking 10,000 steps in a day will burn from 2000 to 3500 calories a week (so, 70,000 steps in a week), which is what you need to be burning if you just want to be healthy. Ramp that up to 15,000 or more steps per day if you want to lose weight.

I ran the numbers, and if one step for me equals about three feet, then 10,000 steps in a day roughly equals walking 5.68 miles per day (5,280 feet (one mile) divided by 3ft (the length of my stride) comes to 1760 steps per mile). I did a rough guess of my current steps, and I think I walk about 0.23 miles per day (405 steps).

So, in order to increase my step allocation and therefore increase my already outstanding health, I’ve come up with a few ideas:

• Reduce my steps to three inch increments. Doing so while maintaining normal walking speeds is required in order to not alarm others.


• Circle things, like a 747 coming in for a landing. Keep arms out so as not to confuse others.


• Walk to the printer instead of waiting for someone to get tired of seeing the printout to the point motivating them to walk around with it, asking who it belongs to.


• Jog in place when talking to coworkers about their weekend. Keep upper body in normal office conversation positions (arm folder, gestures, resting hand on chin with finger covering lips to reflect interest).


• Crabwalk to the door of the restroom (double points). Crabwalking to the actual toilet is extra credit. Offer to transfer documents and materials on stomach to insure others of your heightened sense of productivity.


• Better anticipate the need of using the toilet, and walk instead of running. Running produces large strides, which are incompatible with the 10k steps per day program.


• Push car to work. Help may be accepted, and also allows for opportunity to talk about the 10k step program. Letting others push the car for you as you stroll behind them is extra credit.


• Perfom less handstands, and obviously, less hand walking. However, if the handstand is needed to transition into a reverse crabwalk, then by all means, handstand.


• No skipping, trotting, gyrations, dancing, or any form of locomotion that decreases steps. Styles of walking that encourage more steps for distance travelled are of course encouraged.


• Reduce levitation. Avoid hot air balloons, masses of helium filled balloons, yoga, psychic energy bouncing, ground effect air pressure trickery, or sorcery.


• Walk to neighboring cube instead of calling or emailing. Crabwalking preferred. Scaling the cube wall with a mountain climbing rope might produce greater amounts of steps.


• Take wheels off rollerskates. Skateboarding is exempt, but only if the point at which you begin rolling is the same point at which you stop.


• Sleep with feet on the ground for any chance steps in your sleep.


• Increase pacing. Pace in the shower. Avoid baths. While in the doctors office, pace in the waiting room, and at all times except for when the doctor tells you to hold still. Pace while waiting for the bus. Pace on the bus. When geographical constraints limit your area of possible pacing to a minimum, turn in circles.


• And finally, to best increase the amount of steps you take, take up river dancing, and be terrible at it so as not to perform the obvious levitation tricks done by the professionals.